Finding Who I Am
by sPaRkLiNsNoWfLAKe
Summary: Since a mysterious event in her 4th year, Lily has overcome her hatred of James and the pair became inseperable. No one, not even her best friends, know what brought about this sudden change. What happened that night that Lily Evans put her complete tru
1. Chapter 1: Questioning

Chapter One: Questioning

"Emma, who's the first on the list of guys this year?" Carolina pondered, looking up from eating in the Great Hall at the Back to School Feast.

"Yeah, Em, whose heart you gonna break first?" Lily chimed in, giggling. Carolina and Emma where Lily's two best friends at Hogwarts. They had befriended Lily the first trip on the Hogwarts Express, Lily being quiet and shy at the time. However, they soon learned that Lily didn't have red hair for nothing, she had a temper that flamed the color of her hair. Carolina was a muggle-born girl of Spanish descent. She had long dark brown hair that fell in natural waves and dazzling blue eyes. She was beautiful according to any guy at Hogwarts. She was pretty average in height and was much more reserved than the other two. Emma on the other hand had short light brown hair and honey coloured eyes. She was rather short, but what she lacked in height, she made up for in a quick, fiery temper matching Lily's. Emma, too, was pretty, and had her fair share of guys after her. Lily, however, was very short, coming in at 5'2", but her temper made up for what she was missing in height. She was petite, with fiery red hair and deep emerald eyes. She would have had as many guys after her as her two friends, but James Potter had threatened anyone that even came within a two-foot radius of her. Despite this, Lily's boyfriend, Hunter Davies, had not been frightened by James' antics and took the risk of facing his wrath if Lily was hurt in any way.

"Oh, I don't know," Emma replied, with a very devilish grin. "Maybe Chris Parrish, he was looking rather nice on the train. Him training for quidditch was good to him." The girls went on talking for a while about their summers, unaware that a certain raven-haired boy was staring at a beautiful redhead. They were soon interrupted, however, by Dumbledore, with his annual back to school speech.

"Welcome all of you back to Hogwarts for the start of another great school year. To all of you first years, welcome to your new home. You will soon realize that your fellow housemates will become like your family throughout the course of the years. A word of caution, however," he continued, looking ever so slightly at the Slytherins, "a new force is rising among us. An evil one. Some parents will not like me telling you that a certain dark wizard named Voldemort and his group of Death Eaters are infiltrating the wizarding world—destroying families, leaking important information from the Ministry, and even spying through their children at Hogwarts. Although this evil power may not affect you directly, it will effect many students sitting in this room, if it already has not. Choose your friends wisely—the people who you associate yourself with can forever change your path in this world. They will either help you on your way to greatness, or pull you down with them along the path of darkness." Dumbledore paused slightly before continuing. "On a lighter note, the school caretaker, Apollygon Pringle, has a long list of rules in which you are to abide by if you do not wish to suffer dire consequences," he said, looking directly at the Marauders, causing many heads in the Great Hall to turn in that direction. "Now it is time for you to head to your houses and get some rest because tomorrow will be a long day. Oh, and yes, this year serving you as Head Boy and Girl will be James Potter and Lily Evans." Many people began to applaud, but the Great Hall was filled with loud whispers, amazed that a great Marauder such as James Potter would be given the respected position of Head Boy. Unnecessarily, Sirius whooped loudly. James replied by giving him the worst death stare he could muster. "Now, if the Head Boy and Girl would kindly meet me outside their Heads' Dorm for a few minutes, would the Prefects show all the first years to their respective houses." With that everyone got up and headed out the doors to go back to their common rooms.

"Miss me Evans?" James joked.

"Oh, my summer was rather on the dull side without you Potter," Lily played. "Petunia, however, did a good job filling in for you. Come on. Let's not keep Dumbledore waiting." The pair made their way back to their new Heads' Dorm and found Dumbledore waiting outside for them.

"Ms. Evans, Mr. Potter, I see you have found your new dormitories. I hope that you find them adequate. The house elves worked hard preparing them for you. Now, I trust you have read the list of Heads' Rules and Duties I sent to you over the summer, so I will not bore you by going over them. However, I do expect you to abide by all of them. Do you have any questions?"

"Professor," James asked, surprising Lily that for once in his life he was taking something other than quidditch seriously, "I was wondering if we would be able to have a Christmas dance this year the night before everyone leaves for the holidays. I think it would be a nice way to end the semester and maybe help for a little inter-house unity." _Suck up _Lily thought. Dumbledore noticed that James was sucking up a bit, but was greatly amused by it and chuckled softly. "I think that would be wonderful idea, that is if you and Ms. Evans are up to planning it."

"I think we can handle it," Lily piped up.

"Good. I'll leave you two to get settled in your new accommodations. Good night."

Once inside the Common Room, Lily sprawled out on a plush, golden couch and started at the ceiling, which was portraying the night sky and all its stars. A few minutes later James' face came into view.

"You ok, Lily?" James asked, sitting a little too close to Lily for her liking.

"Just thinking," she responded.

"'Bout what?"

"Everything, my life and where it's going, my friends, family…you" she added, winking. She just loved to make James think he actually had a chance with her.

"Oh really now?" James came, moving even closer.

"Yeah, how much of an arrogant prat you are," Lily responded, feigning a look of seriousness.

"Ouch!" James whined, trying to look hurt.

"Well, I'm going to bed, long day tomorrow," Lily stated, getting up to leave. However, James grabber her and pulled her down on top of him._ Damn Potter and his quidditch reflexes. _

"James—" James quieted her by kissing her. At first Lily was shocked, but then again Potter always gave her a start of term kiss—the year wouldn't be the same without it. Lily responded to James' kisses, but pulled away a few minutes later. Kissing him made her feel something that wasn't there with Hunter. All the same, Lily enjoyed teasing him, it was all part of the game the two of them had been playing for the past two years.

"You didn't deserve that," Lily joked, walking off to her room. "Plus, I have a boyfriend this year. Hunter Davies, remember?"

"I can easily change that."

"You're impossible." Lily replied, shutting her door._ Wow, he is an incredible kisser. I wonder how I never noticed after all these years? Wait a minute…this is Potter I'm talking about. I can't be thinking about him like this...What about Hunter? I really like him…Well do I? I mean he's cute, good at quidditch, smart, nice, funny…but do we have something worth keeping him around for?…Hunter is safe…We like each other, but nothing long lasting will come from this relationship…I know that, he knows that…He's not someone I have to take risks with, don't have to worry about getting hurt. It's better that way, isn't it? But where's the passion? Where are the sparks?…I know where they are, they are back in the Common Room with James Potter. But I can't like him, can I? Could I take the risk_


	2. Chapter 2: You Say You Love Me

Chapter 2: You Say You Love Me…

"Hey Lils," a voice called from the Ravenclaw table. Lily bid her friends goodbye and walked over to her boyfriend, Hunter Davies and kissed him affectionately.

"How was your summer?" he questioned.

"Ok. Petunia was a bitch though."

"Well, that's nothing new. Lily, I missed you this summer. Come one, let's get out of here," Hunter whispered, pulling Lily up from the table and dragging her giggling out of the Great Hall.

"I don't trust him," Carolina remarked to Emma.

"I don't either," James added, sitting down, followed by the other three Marauders. "There's just something about him that I don't like. I can't really place it, but I know he has some other ulterior motive. I just wish I knew what it was."

"Do you think it has got to do w-with…Voldemort?" Peter questioned.

"Don't be prat, Peter, he's a Ravenclaw, not a Slytherin," Emma snapped. Peter gave a rather dejected look and then shut up.

"Stranger things have happened," Remus responded, Peter's words playing over and over in his head. Remus had the horrible feeling that for once in his life, Peter might be right.

"Well, I don't know what he's into," James started, "but it's nothing good."

"Can I hex him?" Sirius asked childishly.

"Sirius!" Carolina blurted. "No! You just can't do that to anybody."

"But I did to Snape," he whined.

"But this isn't Snape," James barked. "The last thing I need is Lily mad at me over something stupid.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. This year is your year to gallantly win Lily's heart," Sirius snorted, followed by a cough that distinctively sounded like "yeah right."

"I heard that Padfoot," James called, getting up to head to Transfiguration. When Lily came in her lips were looking rather red and her hair a little messy and all she could do was stare at the ground. _I wonder what she's been doing,_ James mused.

"Evans, you didn't grace us with your presence at breakfast," James whispered, as she sat down in between Sirius and him.

"Sorry, I was…busy," she responded, trying her best to look happy.

"We can tell," Sirius retorted. Lily playfully hit him on the arm and Sirius stuck out his tongue.

"Have you talked to Emma yet?" Sirius wrote in a note to Lily.

"No, why should I?"

"You know!"

"Sirius, she deserves for you to talk to her yourself."

"She's right Padfoot. Time for our little boy to grow up and do something for himself," James added.

"Stay out of this Jimmy boy," Sirius scrawled. "Please Lily."

"Sirius, this is something no one else can do for you. You hurt Emma last year—bad. She's not one who forgets easily either."

"I didn't mean to," Sirius wrote, giving Lily the puppy dog eyes. Lily sighed, trying to suppress a grin.

"Oh so you just accidentally ended up in bed with Cayla."

"I was drunk. Nobody can expect much from me when I'm like that."

"Well, your girlfriend expected more out of you. What makes it worse is that you know that Em hates Cayla."

"Mr. Black, Ms. Evans," McGonagall shouted. "Do either of you have anything to add to the class?" Lily flushed red, but Sirius did not skip a beat.

"Well Minnie, Ms. Evans and myself are having a rather important conversation."

"More important than N.E.W.T. Transfiguration?"

"Seeing as Transfiguration is easily my best subject, I bore quickly. I needed to find a way to better fill my time that was not disruptive to the class. So I called on a little bit of help from Ms. Evans here."

"Mr. Black, however advanced you may be at Transfiguration, you are not given the right to not pay attention and disrupt others. 15 points from Gryffindor for your lip. Would you like to add 2 night's worth of detention scrubbing bed pans?" Sirius shook his head.

"I'd rather not, Minnie, but if you insist, I might be able to fit it into my schedule." Right on cue the bell rang and Sirius scrambled out of the classroom leaving Professor McGonagall looking furious.

A few weeks later while Lily was in the Common Room studying, a small pecking noise at the window was heard.

"You gonna get that?" Lily questioned.

"It's not my owl," he replied. _I never get mail,_ Lily thought. _Who's owling me?_ She got up and went over to the window and let the owl in. He was rather hyper and pecked at her fingers the whole time she was trying to untie the letter from its leg. Finally she got it off, not without several cuts, and opened the letter.

_Lily,_

_Mom made me write you and tell you I'm getting married over the Christmas holidays. I'm not really sure why though, it's not like I want you to attend my wedding. However, Mom feels that it is necessary that you attend, so I am inviting you. She also insists that you be a bridesmaid, but that would mean that you would have to find a date, which I'm sure you cannot. Try to find a suitable date, not one of those, **weird** guys. Oh, the dresses are pink, a color I chose knowing it would make you look horrible. Hopefully something horrible will happen to you between now and Christmas so that you won't be able to attend my wedding, but that would be asking for too much._

_Petunia_

Lily re-read the letter horrified. _She's awful. How she ever found someone to marry her is beyond me. She'll only get married once, hopefully, so I won't have to do this again. I hope that Hunter is up to going to her wedding with me. _Thinking about Hunter again made her cringe and she almost began to cry. She slammed down her books and got up, knowing she would not be able to do any more studying after Petunia's letter and her incident with Hunter earlier that day. _It's not like I can concentrate anyways. Potter's chasing that bloody snitch around the room._

Quietly, Lily exited the room and began to make her way to the front doors. Once outside, she realized she was not alone. The figure came walking towards her and she recognized him to be Remus Lupin, the most level headed of all the Marauders.

"Hiya Remus," she called, wiping away her tears.

"What are you doing out?"

"Just walking…thinking."

"Oh…Lily, are you happy?" Remus continued after a short pause.

"Huh, what?" she queried, wondering where this conversation was going.

"What I mean is, are you happy with Hunter? Do you love him?"

"Yeah, we're great," she replied, defensively.

"Lily, that's not what I asked. Do you love him?" Remus reiterated.

"Not that it's any of you business, but yes, I do love him," she lied.

"Lily, I don't trust him. Emma and Carolina don't trust him. There's something dark about him. You remember what he did to that Ravenclaw last year, Brittany Price, don't you?"

"He's not like that anymore. Hunter's changed. He's every bit of a gentleman. If you're trying to make me break up with Hunter to date James, you've got another thing coming. I've already had this talk with Sirius a few days ago. I'll talk to you later." Lily brushed by Remus, fighting back the tears and leaving Remus awestruck at the way Lily had just talked to him. Massaging her hands over the bruises on her arms, she wept. _He knows. I don't know how, but he knows. I can't believe he hurt me. All I did was ask him if there was something going on between him and that slut Cayla Carmichael. He grabbed me by my arms—hard. **Is** there something going on between them? He's throwing her suggestive glances when he thinks I'm not watching, but I am. I see those looks. That Slytherin whore. Do I love him? I mean, I thought I did, but after today, I'm not so sure? Thing have been going downhill since the start of the school year. _

Lily quickly made her way back up to the castle, realizing she was late for her rounds with James. She tried to hide her tears, but she knew it was probably a lost cause. When she reached the Common Room, James was already waiting outside.

"Where've you been?" he inquired, angrily. Noticing the hurt in her eyes and her tear-strained face, he reached for her arm. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing James. Just leave me alone," she snapped, pulling her arm away from him. The rest of their time checking the corridors for nighttime strollers was spent in utter silence, James knowing that this was not the time to question Lily further. Once back inside the Common Room, James tried again to find out what was bothering her.

"What's wrong, Lily?"

"I told you earlier, nothing," she sputtered, beginning to cry again.

"You can't lie to me Lily. I know you better than that."

"Oh you think you know me do you?" she exploded, letting go of all her emotions. "Do you even have a clue? Petunia hates me. Hunter and I are fighting. My grades are falling. And I have to deal with you every waking moment of my life. Well don't even try, Potter. I don't need your pity."

James moved closer to Lily, putting his arm around her. She flinched slightly at the contact of his arm to her bruises, but hoped that he didn't notice. "Lily, I don't pity you. I—I love you." Lily just gasped in awe for a few minutes before recovering her senses.

"Do you realize what you just said? Stop playing with my emotions. James, you just said you loved me, but do you even know who I am? What you're feeling isn't real, it's just a stupid crush you've made believe is love."

James sat there looking rather hurt, thinking. "Lily, this isn't make believe, it's true. I love you so much. You aren't just a game to me. You never were, even though you made yourself think that was all I felt for you. And you say I don't know you? I know so much more than you know. Lily, I've been watching you for the past 5 years of my life. I know you have two wonderful friends who you love very much and that love you too. I know that however much you may get on to Sirius and I for our pranks, you really do find it entertaining. I know you love your family, even your sister who hates you. You can't hate her because you don't have the capacity to hate people, it's not in your nature. You love walks in the rain and you love to read. You've always wanted to go to the beach. You have a fear of flying and you can't stand Potions because it's not your best subject. You're smart, funny, beautiful, the list goes on and on. Most of all, I know you are scared. You are scared to take the risk and love me back. You can't handle not being in control of your emotions, you are too afraid to let go and see where things take you." Lily just got up and stormed into her bedroom, crying, trying to forget the conversation she had just had with James.


	3. Chapter 3: And It All Falls Apart

Chapter 3: And It All Falls Apart

For the next few weeks, James did everything he could to avoid Lily, his emotions being very hurt. Lily, other than ignoring James, was acting like the argument had never happened. Although Lily was quick to anger, she was not so quick to forgive. Her reputation for holding grudges was right up there next to the one of her fiery temper. The few times that James did try to make contact with her, Lily acted as if no one was there. It hurt James to see that he had upset Lily so much. _All I did was tell her the truth, but she can't handle it. Merlin, she can bash on me and my antics all day long but when it comes to telling her something about herself, well pigs have a better chance of flying than to get away with something like that. Most girls like it when a guy tells them that they love them. Oh shit, she must think I'm just trying to get her in bed with me. Damn it Potter, you idiot. That's what's making her give me glares that could make hell freeze over. I've got to make her talk to me soon…_

Much to the dismay of her two best friends, she immersed her time with Hunter. Lily became extremely distant, never staying around for more than 5 minutes or saying more than a few words. Every time any one of her friends saw her, she was walking quickly, never anyone in the eye. The once confident Lily was turning into a timid, scared girl. Emma and Carolina noticed something was wrong with Lily, but they put it off saying she was still upset about her fight with James. They knew how much it must hurt Lily to fight with him the way she was so they didn't push the subject. Ever since James and Lily called a truce to their ongoing war on each other due to a mysterious series of events in their 4th year, the pair had been close. No one, however, knew how close the bonds between James and Lily really were, and how broken their friendship was. Halloween night, after spending a tiresome day in Hogsmeade, Lily found herself in a broom closet with Hunter when he started to take of what little clothing he had left on. He felt Lily hesitate and stopped short.

"What's wrong with you these days, Lily?" he asked panted. _Oh, here he goes again. Trying to act like he actually cares about me. Well, I haven't forgotten what he said and did last night, or all the times before that. _"What's wrong?" he asked again when Lily didn't respond.

"Hunter, I don't think I can do this," she whispered. _Did I just say that?_

"Do what?" the angry voice came. _Shit, I've pissed him off again. Stupid Lily, stupid Lily._

"You know what I mean," Lily spoke softly, looking for her long lost shirt and bra. Hunter stopped her by grabbing her tightly around her arms. Lily tried to fight back but he hit her across the face. Lily cried out in pain, and just let herself go, too scared to fight back. _He just hit me, he just freaking hit me. He's never done this before, he's called me all the names that Merlin could possibly think of, but he's never hit me, well, not really hit. He's pushed me around some, grabbed me on my arms, but nothing like this. What is wrong with me? What have I done to him that is so wrong? Well, I have kissed James, but…_she thought, a tear sliding down her cheek.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asked sweetly, as if nothing had just happened.

"I just don't think this is right."

"What's not right?" he yelled. Someone walking down the hall heard the anger in the voice and stopped outside the door, listening.

"This relationship," she responded weakly, looking at the ground. _That's Lily,_ Sirius thought. _What is Hunter doing to her?_

"Are you breaking up with me?" Hunter asked through gritted teeth. All Lily could bring herself to do was nod her head slowly, wishing he would let go of her arms. _What is wrong with him? Ever since the start of term he's been like this, well not like this, he's never hit me, but how he talks to me and shoves me around. Like I'm the scum of the earth. Telling me that nobody but him would dare date a Mudblood like me. _The fear of being hurt worse consumed her. A look of anger possessed Hunter's face and he pushed Lily up against the wall with a thud. Lily squeaked in pain as Sirius came bursting through the door.

"_Impedimentia!" _he shouted, making Hunter fall to the ground. A look of relief crossed Lily's face as she ran up to Sirius, hugging him. Sirius gave her a rather funny look, and then Lily realized that she hadn't put back on her clothes. Lily just looked at him, horrified, and began to cry again.

"It's ok, Lily," Sirius murmured sweetly, turning around. Once Lily had her clothes back on Sirius turned back around. "Are you ok?"

"H-he hit me," she stuttered. "I let him hit me. This is all my fault. I should have listened to y-you and Remus."

"No Lily, you didn't let him hit you," Sirius interjected. "This is not your fault. He's bigger than you, stronger than you. Fighting back could have gotten you hurt worse."

"I should have seen this coming—I feel so stupid…" Lily began, sobbing lightly.

"Don't blame yourself Lily, it's not your fault," Sirius persisted.

"You don't know the way he's been treating to me lately!" Lily shouted. "I should have known…" she trailed off, choking down the tears.

"It's going to be ok," Sirius said, pulling Lily into a hug. He noticed that she was shaking and could barely stand up by herself. He also realized that shuddered as he put her arms around her. _If that insolent little fool left any mark on Lily, ohhh…,_ Sirius thought, vowing to cause permanent damage to Davies if he had put any kind of mark on her.

"Do you need to see Madame Pompfrey?"

"No, but I think he does," she stated, pointing to Hunter.

"Are you sure, Lily? You look a little shook up?" Sirius started, but the look on Lily's face was all the 'no' that he needed. "All right, let's take him to the Hospital Wing and then I'll walk you back to your Common Room," Sirius continued, levitating Hunter. They walked to the Hospital Wing in complete silence; Lily holding on tightly to Sirius out of fear she might fall down. Once they had dropped off Hunter, Sirius turned to Lily, breaking the silence.

"Let me see where he hurt you." Lily pulled off her shirt thinking, _well this isn't anything he hasn't already seen._ Sirius studied her arms carefully, nothing the large bruises forming and the nail marks dug deep into her shoulders.

"He did this to you?" Sirius shouted. "I'll kill him, mark me, I will."

"Sirius, stop shouting. Calm down," Lily ordered.

"Has he done this before?"

"No—well, not really," she stammered, feeling ashamed of herself. "He's called my names and grabbed me, but it's ok, really," she choked.

"I'm gonna kill him. No girl deserves to be treated like this. I'm going to get James and we're going to the Hospital Wing to give the git what's coming to him."

"No," she pleaded. "Don't tell James, please, please."

"What? Why wouldn't I tell James?" Sirius asked, confused and pacing about like a mad man.

"Because I don't want him to think I can't handle myself anymore than he already does. You know how he is, always trying to protect me. Plus we're kind of in a fight, and this would just cause more problems between us." Sirius stopped pacing and pondered what Lily had just said for a moment.

Looking her straight in the eye he said, "Lily, sometimes people need to be protected. You have to realize that sometimes you need help, that it's ok to need help. You don't have to do everything alone. And what's this fight about?" _Wait a minute, am I getting a lecture from Sirius Black?_, Lily thought. "Lily…" Sirius ventured when she didn't respond.

"Oh…Sirius, please, just don't tell James—not yet anyways. And don't—don't hurt Hunter, he doesn't deserve your time."

"What's this fight about?" Sirius reiterated.

"Nothing," Lily said in an undertone, rather embarrassed to be talking about her fight with James with Sirius.

"Ok, I won't make you tell me what you're fighting about. But I can't promise you how long I can keep this from James, or how long I can go without hurting the prat." _She never said I couldn't tell Emma or Carolina. And what's this fight with James? Is that why he's being such a prat all the time? He's in a fight with his Lily? Well, we'll have to talk about this later, _Sirius thought, walking silently with Lily back to the Head's Common Room.


	4. Chapter 4: Means to Our End

Chapter 4: Means to Our End

A/N: Sorry guys, but I made a mistake in Chapter 3 where I said that the event that occurred between Lily and James happened in their 4th year because it's really their 5th year that it happens in. It might seem like an obscure thing to change, but it messes up with the time line that I have set out if I don't.

This chapter takes place a few hours after Chapter 3. It has a lot of jumping around so I hope that you don't get confused. Kudos to HAM001 and Softlove91 who are my two reviewers as of now! Thanks for taking the time to read and review.

Staring out a rain stained window, pondering what he would next say to Lily when he saw her again, a flash of lightning illuminated a dark, cloaked figure stealthily making his way towards the Forbidden Forest. Now wasting a moment, James Potter grabbed the necessary marauding tools and set off into the cool, stormy night. After several close encounters with Apollygon Pringle, the caretaker of the grounds, and Peeves, he made it safely out of the castle and into the forest. He stowed his Marauder's Map and invisibility cloak and transformed into his illegal Animagus form, a stag. His hearing peaked, he followed the sounds of the scurrying man deep into the forest.

"My Lord," the mysterious voice sounded, bowing.

"How are the plans coming?"

'Well, my Lord. The plan is ready to be put into action at your consent."

"Good, good. When is your next Hogsmeade visit? We wouldn't want that old muggle-loving fool to interfere with our schemes," Voldemort's high-pitched voice sneered.

"A month from now, the last weekend in November."

"That is when I want you to carry out the plan of action. The others—"

"They are prepared, my Lord. However I am concerned about—" his voice faltered for a moment, as if unsure as to voice his convictions of a particular partaker for their attack. "Are you sure it is wise to include _him?_" he finished carefully, placing a special emphasis on his last word.

Voldemort gave an evil laugh. "Do you dare doubt me? Very well, you are young and ignorant to the ways of a true Death Eater. He is just a means to _our_ end. However, he may prove to be more of an asset than we think later on, so for now, leave him be."

"But the dangers of…"

"Leave no survivors," the Dark Lord hissed, as if reading the stranger's mind. "With no survivors, there are no witnesses, therefore no danger of getting caught. _Do not mess up this time._ I will no longer be so lenient on those who fail me."

"Yes, my Lord," the young man mumbled, turning and walking away. _This pride of his is going to be the downfall of us all, _he thought. _We need to have arrangements for anything and everything that might possibly go wrong other than kill everybody. _The hooded figure began to leave the forest, not noticing the magnificent stag hiding in the shadows. Turning back to ensure that he was not being followed, James caught a glimpse of the mysterious man's face—Rodolphous Lestrange. Cantering off to the castle, careful to not be seen by Lestrange, James' mind was racing with all of the information he had just acquired. _What the hell was that all about? Who is Voldemort planning to attack and why? What does he mean by don't mess up **this time**? What was the last time? I need to find Dumbledore._

"Oi, Emma, Carolina," Sirius shouted.

"What do you want, Black?" Emma sighed, reluctant to have to talk to Sirius Black.

"It's about Lily. Listen…" he began, looking around to make sure that nobody was listening in on their conversation. "All right, earlier tonight when I was off to the kitchens for a snack, I heard some noises coming from a broom closet. Now, this particular broom closet is one that is usually occupied by me at this time of night, so I was intrigued…"

"Good dictionary word," Emma cut in, followed by an icy glare from Carolina.

"Anyways," Sirius continued as if he had not been interrupted, "Using my innate instinct of a Marauder, I realized that the people in there were fighting. Then I heard _Davies_ dulcet tones, so I was like, _oh shit, that's Lily in there._ I heard him hit her and that's when I went in and jinxed him."

"I cannot believe him. I'm going to kill that little—" Emma shouted angrily before being cut off by the more sensible on of the trio, Carolina.

"Calm down and stop shouting," she warned. "Anybody could be listening in. Now, Sirius, have you told anyone else about this? James, Remus, anybody?"

"James doesn't know," Sirius mumbled.

"You mean to tell me James big-head Potter doesn't know something that happened to his _Lily-flower_," Emma raved.

"No, I was trying to—"

"Trying to what, Black?" Emma challenged.

"Em, watch your temper. You are overreacting way too much. This isn't Sirius's fault or anything. This is our best friend we are talking about. Not some Slytherin tramp. Please, just let your grudge with Sirius go for five minutes so we can help Lily," Carolina declared angrily. Emma just gaped for a few moments, then deciding that she had nothing more to say, sank back into her armchair.

"Well," Sirius continued gingerly, not wanting to cause anymore outbursts on either girls' part, "I was trying to respect her wished by not telling anybody. She didn't want anyone to know, especially James because you know how protective of her he is. You know James as well as I do, _not that I don't believe that James has every title to go and tear Davies limb to limb right now_, but I didn't want to not tell you two."

"I didn't know you actually cared," Emma whispered to herself, a look of awe upon her face.

"What?" Sirius inquired.

"Oh nothing," Emma responded, deciding that her friend's need took precedent over her on-going hostility towards Sirius any day. "Thanks a lot, but we've got to go find Lily now," she continued, getting up and dragging Carolina with her.

After the girls left, Sirius just sat there thinking about Emma. _Damn, that girl's got spark. But she would never give me another chance after what I did to her. What the **hell** was I thinking anyways? Oh yeah, I was drunk. _Resigning to the fact that he would never have another relationship with Emma Reilly, he went up to his room to get some much needed beauty sleep.

"Padfoot, Remus," James panted. "Get up you lazy dogs," he yelled, giving Sirius a shove.

Remus looked up from his book, quite angry. "Prongs, what are you on? Did you swallow some of that hair potion again?"

"Padders," James cooed.

"Five more minutes…Agghh!…Jimmy boy, why in the bloody hell didja go and do that for?" Sirius cried, wiping the cold water from his face.

"Well, that's what you get for being asleep at 10:00, but you've got to hear this…" James trailed off, going into detail the conversation that he had just overheard between Lestrange and Voldemort.

Once outside of Lily's door, Carolina stopped and turned to Emma.

"Now, you've got to mind your temper while you're in here. No yelling, no threatening Hunter or his life—Lily doesn't need to hear any of that. What she _does_ need is her two best friends to be there for her and to listen to her."

"Yes, _Mom,_" Emma grumbled.

"Lily?" Carolina questioned, while knocking softly on the door. "Can we come in?"

When she receive no response, she went on and opened the door and quietly entered. Saying Lily was a sight for sore eyes was an understatement. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying and her face still bore the mark from where Hunter had hit her. Even though Emma and Carolina couldn't see them, large blueish bruises were forming underneath Lily's sweatshirt.

"Lily," Emma said, walking over to the bed and sitting down. "Are you ok?"

"No," she sniffled, answering in all honesty. "I let him hit me Em."

"You didn't let him hit you," Emma fired, resulting in a glance of warning from Carolina. "Fighting back against him would have only made things worse for you."

"It's just, oh I don't know. I feel so helpless, like I can't protect myself. I've always been able to, you know, hold my own. But when that look of fury possessed Hunter's face, I couldn't move, I couldn't scream. I couldn't do anything but watch him hit me."

"Lily, he is stronger than you," Carolina assured. "There wasn't anything you could have done differently,"

"No, that's not it," Lily shouted, tears streaming down her face. "I've never backed down from Bellatrix or Snape or any of those other Slytherin gits. But when he grabbed me I just froze in place. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. I just started trembling. It was almost like—" Lily stopped short and gasped.

"_Well, well, well. If it isn't the pretty little mudblood."_

"_What do you want, Lestrange," Lily shot, shifting the many books she had checked out from the library. **I've got to distract him and hex him before he tries anything,**__she thought._

"_Well you see, being the gifted witch that you are, even if you are a filthy—"_

"_Flattery mixed with insults will get you nowhere. Cut to the chase."_

"_Join the ranks of the Dark Lord," Lestrange said simply._

"_Now, why would I want to go and join a group who enjoys killing people not unlike myself?" Lily asked confidently._

"_The Dark Lord can offer you many compensations for your time and service," he replied, pulling out his wand and tracing it's outline with his fingers. "Now are you going to do this the easy way, or do I need to force you?" he finished, moving closer to Lily, grabbing onto her shoulders and pushing her up against the cold, stone wall. All of the confidence she once had seeped out of her, leaving her frozen with a look of pure terror captivating her face._

"_Aw, is the little mudblood scared?" Lily just looked up at Lestrange, all of her fears leaving her unable to respond._

"Lily, Lily," Carolina called, pulling the trembling girl out of her reverie. "What's wrong? You were shaking and crying."

"Nothing's wrong," Lily lied. "I guess I'm still a little shaken up. I think I just need to sleep some."

"Ok, we'll come back by and bring you some breakfast in the morning," Emma said, giving her friend a hug, careful not to touch her bruises. "We love you," she whispered.

"I'm worried about her," Carolina said as soon as she and Emma were out of earshot of Lily's room.

"Did you see that look on her face when she was rocking and trembling?" She looked like she was reliving some kind of vivid nightmare."

"I know. And I think I know what all this relates to."

"What," Emma queried.

"That night back at the end of our 5th year, that night that Lily will never speak about, that night that Lily Evans began to trust James Potter."


	5. Chapter 5: Still Waiting For You

Chapter 5: Still Waiting For You

"Messrs. Potter, Black, and Lupin, how may I help you? That is, assuming you have not been sent here on account of one of your pranks," Dumbledore said, smiling. However, as James relayed what he had heard the night before, omitting the part about being an illegal Animagus, Dumbledore's smile quickly faded.

"Well," he began after a few minutes of thinking, "we had believed that Voldemort and his Death Eater's were planning something, seeing as there have been few attacks for some months now. But an attack on a student? I can't say it wasn't expected, but it still surprises me that Voldemort would be foolish enough to try something like this while I am still around."

"Excuse me, professor, but who is this "we" you speak of?" Sirius questioned.

"The Order of the Phoenix," James said absent-mindedly, stroking Fawkes. _Oh shit. I'm definitely not supposed to know about this top-secret organization._

Dumbledore chuckled at the look of uneasiness on James's face. "I figured you already knew, what with your parents being a part of the Order and all. The Order, Sirius, is a group of anti-Voldemort supporters. It's a small group of people who are willing to fight back against the Death Eaters comprised of supporters from all different professions—Ministry workers, teachers, bankers, thieves…"

"Thieves?" James cut in. He didn't very well like the idea that his parents were working amongst thieves. "What if they double-crossed the Order?"

"Anyone who has been inducted into the Order have proven their loyalty to me and to the cause. Thieves, I have found, are very well connected and can gather information we cannot without arousing suspicion."

"Professor, what are the qualifications to join?" Remus inquired startling James and Sirius. He had been so quiet, pondering the little information that Dumbledore had given them about the Order, that the other two boys had forgotten he was there. Remus' past history with Voldemort's cause made him want to join the Order even more so than the fact that he thought that what Voldemort was doing was morally wrong.

Dumbledore knew where that question was headed, and given Remus' past, he didn't blame him for wanting to join the Order. "The Order is only for people who are of age and out of school."

"And the Ministry spy?" James questioned out of the blue.

"I have a shrewd idea as to what area in which the spy works, but then again, I can only guess. Now boys, I have said more than enough without compromising the integrity of the Order. I think it is time that you go back to whatever you Marauder's do. I daresay a few pranks would liven the spirits here some. I appreciate you informing me of this conversation. It will be investigated. For now, however, the next Hogsmeade visit is cancelled. Mr. Potter, at the next prefects meeting, please inform them of the changes and request that they post fliers in the Common Rooms reflecting this change."

* * *

"Why didn't you tell us about the Order," Sirius accused James childishly. 

"I couldn't. But that's not important right now. I need to go find Lily."

"Um, James," Remus started, trying to find an excuse for James not to go and see Lily, "don't you have quidditch practice?"

"Not today," James replied, setting off towards the Head's Common Room.

"He won't be too happy when he finds Lily in the state that she's in and know that we knew but didn't tell him," Remus said.

"I know, but he'll understand…maybe," Sirius answered.

"Somehow, I'm not so sure about that…"

* * *

When James reached the common room, he found Emma and Carolina outside Lily's door trying to break in. 

"What's this all about?" James asked the girls.

"She won't let either of us in," Emma replied angrily.

"She keeps asking for you," Carolina added.

"What happened?" _The last time she did this it was after her attack. Oh Merlin, it hasn't happened again, has it?_

"She, well umm…maybe Lily should tell you what's going on," Carolina stammered. "Just take her this food. She needs to eat," she finished, handing over a tray of food and grabbing Emma and leaving.

"Lily," James called softly. "Lily, it's me, James." He heard Lily mutter a spell and the door unlocked and opened. Walking in, he was unprepared to see Lily in the state she was in.

"What happened?" he questioned, setting down the breakfast tray. Lily just shook her head and let a few tears trickle down her face.

"James, I'm sorry for getting so mad at you the other day. I hope you don't hate me."

"I could never hate you, no matter how mad you were at me, I would always love you." Lily cringed upon hearing the word love, but said nothing. "Now, please, tell me what's wrong with you," he said, walking over to her bed and holding her trembling body. James fingered the letter he had written to her in his pocked, but decided that it was definitely not the time to give it to her and promised himself to give Lily the letter later.

"James, Hunter…he hit me," she sobbed. "And I just froze. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything. Then Sirius came—"

"Wait a minute, Sirius knew about this and didn't say anything to me?"

"I asked him not to," Lily mumbled.

"Why though. I mean, I know we were fighting, but this is so much more important to me than a stupid fight."

"I'm sorry, James. It wasn't just you I told him not to tell. I told him not to tell anyone, but obviously, he did."

"He just wanted what was best for you. He was only trying to help by telling someone. Lily, you can't just bottle up your feelings like this, it's not good for you."

"I know, but it's just so hard to let anyone in after—well you know…" she trailed off.

"He didn't do anything else, did he?"

"No, but it still shook me up."

"As it would anyone," James agreed. "No girl deserves to be treated like that. Davies is just a stupid git who wouldn't know Heaven if he had it if it knocked him on his ass."

"It was just like a year and a half ago when I was attacked. I couldn't think, couldn't move, anything. I just sat there and let him hit me."

"It's not your fault. You have memories that trigger your reactions that others don't have." Lily shuddered at the thought of that May night.

"_Now are you going to do this the easy way, or do I need to force you?" he finished, moving closer to Lily, grabbing onto her shoulders and pushing her up against the cold, stone wall. All of the confidence she once had seeped out of her, leaving her frozen with a look of pure terror captivating her face._

"_Aww, is the little mudblood scared?" Lestrange grabbed Lily and pushed her up against the hard wall. She let out a small gasp of pain and slunk to the ground._

"_Crucio," Lestrange said, a hint of enjoyment in his tone. Pain hit Lily like a thousand daggers, but she couldn't even bring herself to cry out in pain. Suddenly, all the pain stopped. Lily struggled to get to her feet and tried to run. Lestrange let out an airy laugh and used a spell to pull her back to him. He hit her several times and she fell back to the ground. Lestrange moved in closer to her._

"_Now you'll know real pain, mudblood," he whispered in her ear._

"No, no please…" Lily shouted, hitting James with her fists.

"Lily, it's ok," James comforted, grabbing Lily on her shoulders to stabilize her. Lily gasped out in pain as his hands made connection with her bruised body. James just gave her a horrified look.

"I'm so sorry, Lily. I didn't realize, I—" he stammered.

"It's ok," she sobbed, sinking back into his arms and crying.

"Things will be ok in the end. Why don't you try and get some sleep?"

"Will you stay with me?"

"I'll be right here waiting when you wake up."


	6. Chapter 6: Memories From the Past

Chapter 6: Memories from the Past

_ Merlin, she's beautiful when she's sleeping,_ James thought. _What I would do to make her realize how much I truly care about her. If she would only let her guard down, though I can't blame her for being the way she is sometimes. What that sick bastard did to her. If I were only there sooner. _Memories from that mid-May's night and the following months flooded back to him as he watched Lily sleeping.

FLASHBACK

James was out prowling the corridors after getting a late-night snack, hidden from view by his treasured invisibility cloak. Taking a short cut from the kitchens back to the Gryffindor Common Room, he noticed a figure slumped against the wall. Then he saw that auburn hair that he would never fail to recognize. James threw off the invisibility cloak and rushed over to Lily.

"Lily," he whispered, "Lily, can you hear me?" When he got no response he picked her up and carried her off to the hospital wing.

"Mister Potter what is the meaning of this? What have you done to this poor girl?"

"It wasn't me, I swear. I found her like this in the corridor by the kitchens."

"Well, set her down boy. I've got work to do. Now get back to your common room before I report you for being out of bed after hours."

"Madame Pompfrey, you wouldn't mind if I stayed here please?" James pleaded.

The nurse gave him a look over and then decided that since James **_was_** one of her favorite students, it might be ok to bend the rules just this one time. "Ok, but I'm going to need your help. Now, go get the potions in the purple and blue bottles and the potion labeled Dreamless Sleep while I mend her cuts and bruises." As Madame Pompfrey began to undress Lily and change her into a nightgown, she noticed some unusual bruises below her stomach and on her thighs. _This girl has been taken advantage of,_ she realized. _This isn't just someone's kind of a sick joke, this is serious. Dumbledore must be notified._

"Mr. Potter," she called, "did you notice anyone in that corridor while you were down there?"

"No, why?"

"Oh never mind, just bring me the potions please and then run get Dumbledore. I need to speak to him." Madame Pompfrey spent the next fifteen minutes examining Lily and discovered that her initial thoughts were indeed correct.

"Poppy, what has happened to Ms. Evans," Dumbledore asked upon entering the room, James following close behind.

"I think we should talk alone," the nurse said, a sense of graveness in her tone. Madame Pompfrey and Dumbledore walked into the office off the hospital wing to talk, so James went and sat by Lily's side. Waking up, Lily was cold, scared, and thought she was alone. Then she saw the outline of young man with messy jet-black hair and glasses, a profile she would never forget. For some reason the sight of James calmed her, though she wasn't quite sure as to why, considering usually the mere presence of James Potter repulsed her.

"What happened, where am I?" she stammered.

"You're in the hospital wing. You've been attacked." When the word 'attack' slipped from James' lips, it triggered the memories from earlier that night in Lily's head—Lestrange, the Cruciatus curse, him raping her. She curled up into a ball and began to shake mumbling things that sounded like 'no, please don't, no.'

"Lily, calm down. It's over now. He can't hurt you now," James said reassuringly.

"What happened?"

"I found you down by the kitchens unconscious. Someone attacked you. Do you remember what happened?" Lily was quiet for a few moments, trying to remember all that had happened. It seemed so long ago, yet it was a mere 45 minutes later.

"He— Lily barely spoke the last words he tried to get me to join the Dark Lord, refused…he hit me, threatened me," she stammered, wondering why she was telling all this to a guy that she hated. "He…he raped me," she finished, mumbling and beginning to cry. Even though, James did not need to ask her what she had said.

"Do you know who did it?" Lily shook her head. She wasn't too sure why she was lying, but she didn't want anyone to know who had done that to her. To her, putting a name with the attacker made it real, and she didn't want it to be real. All she wanted to was to wake up from the horrible nightmare she thought she was having. "It's ok," James soothed, pulling her into a hug and allowing her to cry on his shoulders. "We'll get through this somehow."

"You don't hate me?" she muttered.

"What—Lily, no. Why would you say that? I could never hate you."

"But I'm just a dirty mudblood," she said, believing what Lestrange had said to be true.

"No, you're not. You're a beautiful, intelligent witch Lily and that's more than enough for me."

The months following her attack, Lily hardly ever left James' side. He became her personal bodyguard. When Lily went to talk to Dumbledore, James was right by her side, helping to calm her as she relived that frightful night; when Lily went to classes, James was right there with her every step of the way. They even ate together in the kitchens. None of the students knew of the attack except for Lily, Dumbledore, Madame Pompfrey, and James—not even Lily's two best friends, Emma and Carolina. The students began to talk—since when were James Potter and Lily Evan's, who were arch enemies, being friendly, much less spending all of their time together? All that anyone knew was that for some mysterious reason James and Lily were suddenly friends. Emma and Carolina were confused as to this sudden change in Lily's interests, but thought that spending time with James was good for the both of them. James was a happier person when Lily was nice to him, which was good for the entire sanity of Hogwarts. Through her attack, Lily came to trust James as much as she did Emma and Carolina. She knew that no matter what, he would always be there for her. Even over the summer before their 6th year, Lily and James could be found together. Once Lily thought she had recovered from her attack, she began teasing James for his affections for her. She enjoyed making him think that he stood a chance with her and flirting shamelessly with him. Deep down, however, she was not completely healed and toying with James' heart was her way of ensuring that they would never be anything more than just friends. Lily thought that no man would want her because of what had happened to her. She would come to realize, though, that James was no ordinary man.


End file.
